the Google Plus Familia - simone4king

Friday, October 8, 2010

Because we're stupid

I once had a lover who was against the idea of soulmate love. Well, love, I think he would have settled for love, but his idea of it and mine were quite different. He wanted to have an open relationship. Then just stay single, I’d say, that’s an open relationship.

But no, he wanted someone to come home to after having slept with others, and he had found it. He had recently fallen in love and was still recovering from that fall. So you can imagine that love seemed like a horrible idea to him as it does to me now.

Because I wanted someone who would love me for life. Just me and him, a monogamous union. Just like some of my parent’s friends. I think two is better than fifteen if you find the right one and one.

Once we were at a bar or something. He took me there. The place was crowded. We’re talking with a few of his friends and he brought our current argument to the table. 

We all have many soulmates, right? And we’re all supposed to find one of these soulmates? And love them for all eternity! If all that’s true, then why are we all alone? He asked all pissed off and indignant.

Because we’re stupid.

Because we’re stupid, his friend said. And then he sipped his beer and started to turn away as if we were keeping him from finding his soul mate. It was utter brilliance. Perfectly true and honest.

But we’re not just that. We’re also frustrated and scared and hollow and cold sometimes. Sometimes we’re so cold we just shut every window and every door to keep comfortable. Like I refuse to do.

I laughed at him, you know. I thought - you’re never going to find it. I am. And you’ll be old and lonely and wish that you had made different choices.

But wait!

I wish I had made different choices. I wish I had been awake at times and pretended to be asleep at others. I wish I had not given up so easily at the exact same point in every union. I wish I had just put on a sweater – left the windows open, stood at the ajar door. I wish I had taken the good ones back instead of the bad ones.

And I wish I had more patience, wasn’t so bitchy. Wasn’t so crass, but who can help that?

I wish that I will find him now.
Now that I know more and am more.
I wish for a love that lasts forever.

I mean forever –
beyond the end --
leaving an imprint on the world I leave behind.

‘Cause I am not stupid.